Welcome to the defender podcast, a resource to help mobilize and equip the body of Christ to manifest the gospel to orphans and vulnerable children. This podcast is a ministry of Lifeline Children Services, and I'm your host, Herbie Newell. Today, we have a great honor to have a friend, a friend who is no stranger to the defender podcast who is going to come and really just talk about the gift of of motherhood and even what motherhood looks like, not just in its biological forms, but also what it looks like in its adoption form. And so, we are so grateful to have Scarlett Hiltepottel, and she is the author of Afraid of All the Things, You're the Worst Person in the World, The Anxious Bible Study, and so many other books. She is a passionate, woman of truth who speaks.

She has a huge following, I know, on social media. I know my wife is encouraged by the things that she posts on social media. She writes regularly for parenting life Parent Life Magazine, Home Life Magazine, and she reads truth. She enjoys speaking to women around the country about the freedom and rest available in Jesus. She and her husband live in Southern California, where she loves sign language with her 3 daughters, nachos by herself, writing for friends, and studying stand up comedy with a passion that should be reserved for more important pursuits.

But before we bring on Scarlett, I do wanna remind, our listeners of vessels of hope. You know, the ministries that are carried out throughout Lifeline are only possible because the partnerships with the body of Christ. When others give of their time, their talent, their resources, and their knowledge, we can continue working together to live out god's call to care for the vulnerable. Vessels of Hope is our faithful community of monthly donors, and we would love for you to join this incredible group that helps stable ministry month in month out. You can always go to lifeline child dot org, back with the dashes, monthly dash giving.

Again, that's lifeline child dot org backslash monthly dash giving to impact lives and spread the gospel around the world. Or as always, you can go to our show notes and find all of these things on those notes. So just for context, even as we get in, you can obviously check out Scarlet's resources, but also know that Scarlet and Brandon have 3 daughters, 2 biological and one whom they adopted, 4 year old Joy from China. And even the books that we have talked about, she mentions their adoption journey in her book. And, you know, doctor Rick, we have been able to just interview some incredible women of faith that are doing some amazing things in the body of Christ, and so grateful this week really just to to talk about mother's day and the indelible gift that a mom is.

I mean, even as I think on a biblical perspective, that one of the the few words of Christ on the cross was taking care of his mom. You see the indelible impact that Mary made on our savior's life when from the cross, he looks to John, and he says, John, this is your mother. And he looks at his mother and says, this is your son, how he is taking care of his mom. Moms are precious. They are a gift.

And so, doctor Rick, I I know we are grateful to have Scarlett on here and to really just to unpack the gift of motherhood and what that means and how huge that is in the life of a child.

Yeah, Hervey. Absolutely. I I think, you know, even as I've thought about and anticipated this, you know, this podcast, it has been good reflection just to think about moms are a tangible manifestation of god's grace, godly moms that reflect Jesus, and, you know, care for us and parent us and shepherd us and love our hearts and all those things that moms do so well. And, you know, and we know that one of the, you know, one of the difficult things and part of the brokenness of orphanhood is is the lack of a mom and and the lack of of that, that thing that, you know, that God designed. And and and so I think as as we come to mother's day, I think all of us, you know, sort of turn back and look and reflect and think about all the things that our moms have done and all the things that our moms have said and all the ways that our moms have prepared us and shepherd our hearts and disciplined us and done all kinds of things to and that that's a that's a unique role that moms play that God gave.

And so I'm just I'm really pumped about unpacking this conversation today, with Scarlett, particularly for the perspective of,

of a mom

to a child who's come home through adoption, to the mom, you know, mom to children, that are biological, the challenges of both and and all of that sort of thing. And so, Scarlet, first of all, let me say welcome to the podcast. We're glad to have you back.

Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be back.

Well, you know, really, we just kinda wanna dive in and want to to begin the conversation with you, about about motherhood. And obviously, since this podcast is built around adoption and orphan care and those things that we do in that area, we kind of want to delve into a little bit of kind of all that all that how all that comes together. And so maybe the first place to start is actually to back up a little bit and just kinda talk a little bit about your adoption journey and what, you know, what kind of led, you and Brandon into adoption and and what the Lord did through that journey toward joy?

Yes. Well, first of all, I'm I'm a Lifeline cheerleader. I you guys know this. I love Lifeline so much. We're so grateful as a family because you guys are such a huge part of our story of joy, of our little joy.

Okay. Short version is, my husband, when he became a Christian, he was in some kind of chapel service at his school or something, and heard someone talking about international adoption. And he thought, what a beautiful picture of the gospel reality that we are adopted into God's family. And so he always wanted that. I know it's usually flip flopped that the wife is usually like the one wanting to adopt, and the husband is resistant.

But in our marriage, he always wanted to adopt, and I was the one who was resistant for years, because I was scared. I lived with a lot of fears. That's a huge part of my ministry. It was just birthed out of learning to, fight through my anxiety with the truth of the gospel and God's word. So it was just kind of a fight slash condition in our home for years.

And then, the Lord used people who were adopting around me to just kind of show me that and again, you know, we all have these multilayered testimonies, but a huge part of my testimony is I was a believer since I was 14, but I lived with so much panic that it was like I could not experience that abundant life, joy, and peace that Christians are promised. Because I was so worried about my performance, and me, and doing it right, and all that. And so, that is what kept me from adoption for years. I thought, how could I possibly fill out one of these forms and choose anything, you know? And what if it's the hardest thing in the world?

And I just had all these fears. Anyway, long story short, my cousins were through Lifeline. They adopted 2 girls with special needs from China. And I kept bumping into their family family functions. And I joke that I avoided them the first family function because I was living with so much.

They're so wonderful. I joke that I was avoiding them because they're, what looked to me like radical obedience was shining a light on my, unwillingness to do what God was nudging me to do. And then I ran into them again, and we were seated at the same table at this family weddings. So I couldn't avoid them. And sitting there talking with them, I realized, okay, these wonderful people are just regular people, who they also have biological children and adopted children.

And I thought, okay, they have pains in their lives. They have joys, you know, they're just people and Christians, and God uses everybody. And you know, these are things that I knew, but just getting to see it, and see the beauty of their family, God used that majorly, as he softened my heart toward adoption. And then, you know, and then it just kind of snowballed from there, and the Lord opened all the doors. And I called Lifeline, and here we are.

So, Scarlet, so we kinda talked about the journey of getting to joy, and and what the Lord did to to get you and Brandon to that point. But what about after, you know, after you guys came home and you've become a mom through adoption? What's that, you know, through your eyes, what's that like kind of over the last, you know, few years? What's what's that been like in maybe seeing motherhood a little bit of a different way and experiencing it

in a little bit of a different way? That's a

great question.

It's been such a beautiful, miraculous

roller coaster, wonderful, hard, humbling thing. Herbie, my hard, humbling thing. Herbie mentioned, Joy was turning 4. She was about a month away from 4 when we adopted her. So now she is 9.

And then I've got my bookend biological daughters. So I've got a 12 year old, and then sweet Joy, who we adopted, is 9. And then my little one is now 8. But anyway, yeah, it's been a it's been a process. Getting to Joy, like I just described, was kind of this just my husband and I say all the time, we're jealous for that season because it was scary in a way, but it was so beautiful because the way the Lord provided through, you know, I remember that first call, Lifeline.

I'm like, we do not have the chunk of finances that you that it seems you need. And I remember, I think it was Carla, that first phone call, and she was like, When the Lord puts it on a Christian family's heart to adopt, he will provide. And it was stunning. I mean, I have it all recorded in my personal journals, but it was like, you know, there's a orphanage fee that is due on this day. And if we don't get the money by this day, joy will have to wait another week.

And then just the random ways that the Lord provided, you know, strangers and little jobs that would come up for me. And, you know, we had a t shirt sale. It was just like, it was hard to be scared during the process because the Lord was so clearly with us and providing for us. And then when we met Joy, she was medically, now you get her medical file, you see the video. So we we knew what we were getting into.

But of course, you hope for, you know, healing, and you hope for best case scenarios. And when we met her, she was just very, very sick and unhealthy. And so Joy in particular, she was born without any outer or middle ears and deaf. And we knew that, so we all learned sign language during the adoption process. But when we met her, it was kind of this heartbreaking moment where in my mind, the gospel thing of this adoption was going to be, Okay, we learned sign language.

We're going to share the gospel with her. She's going to heal and thrive. And it's going to be amazing. And praise the Lord, that's what happened. Joy became a Christian last year.

And oh my goodness. Like, I'm looking right now. I know this is a podcast, but she made a cross with the crown of thorns out of twigs. And she I'm sitting in her bedroom right now to do this this podcast. And she put it in her windowsill.

And it's so it's so amazing. Like, this is what this was the the hope was that she would learn language and understand, the gospel. But in that moment in China, we thought, okay, maybe God's idea of the gospel in this is that she will not recover on earth, and that she will not learn words, and that we will care for this body, in our family. And that also glorifies him, you know? And so that was a heartbreaking and hard moment.

But, you know, I'm so grateful. And of course, she still has struggles, medical struggles, but the Lord has done so much in her, body and in her mind. And, you know, things are definitely more difficult for her. But you asked about just the process of, for us, post adoption. One of the first struggles was, you know, that we had so much training from Lifeline about attachment.

That was a difficult thing for me personally because I wanted it to just, whoop, you know, work. I wanted love to fix everything immediately, and then it would be easy. And it would, you know, And it wasn't. It wasn't easy, because you know, all adoptions come out of trauma. And attachment is different when you have 2 biological girls.

Like when a baby grows inside of your body, you're automatically, physically attached. And, with adoption, it's different and beautiful, and it takes longer. And so there was a lot of counseling for me, Christian counseling, a lot of talking with other moms who'd been through it, and being comforted. And just a lot of like, you know, daily small joys of watching God knit our family together, in this beautiful and different way. So, you know, hard, beautiful.

I tell people all the time, like, I feel like I had this front row seat to this miracle God decided to do. And I'm so grateful. And, yeah, she's been in our family. I guess it'll be has it been I guess it just became 6 years. Oh my goodness.

4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Yeah. 6 years. Crazy.

Miss Scarlet, I know you you talk a lot about fear in your book, obviously, and and kind of overcoming fear. We we talked even at the very beginning, you know, you you were talking about just being a person that has been filled with fear. You know, I think fear, it would be a common word that moms would use. You know, what would the mom and children become? Do I have what it takes to be able to take care of them and love them and nurture them and protect them?

Talk about really what does being a mom mean, and how have you seen the lord's love and grace help overcome the fear that you would have for your own children and being able to give them what they need, especially a daughter that you didn't birth, that wasn't biological, that that you missed the first 4 years of. Talk about how you've seen the Lord just really help you overcome your fear through his love and and unconditional grace.

Well, step 1 step 1 was, just when he started when I started taking the tiny little baby steps of surrender, during that adoption process, I was delighted to, learn and experience that all these things I'd learned about Jesus for so long. He's always with us, you know. There's joy in obedience. You know, we can experience abundant life today, and live on mission for Him. And you know, all these things that I learned in you know, I graduated from bible college.

I was married to a pastor. And I had such a hard time for so many years. You know, I believed it, but I hadn't really experienced it because my fear kept me from so much. You know, so through my first baby, Ever Grace, she's 12 now. That was pre adoption, when when I was still very resistant to that.

Because, you know, we're all works in progress. Lord is making us into his image with ever increasing glory, whatever that verse is. But I remember and I probably said this last time we talked, Herbie, but I can't really talk about this without sharing this this testimony story because it was so huge. And I I have to remind myself of it all the time too. But, I was with a bunch of moms at this retreat, and I had my first baby.

And the moms were giving parenting advice, and I was trying to absorb it all. And then this one mom said, You know, my my parenting goal is not to be the perfect mom and to raise perfect kids. That's an impossible goal. My job is to just point my family to Jesus, and live the gospel out of my home. So when I have a win, or a good day with my kids, then thank you Holy Spirit for using me today.

But if I have a failure, which happens a lot, I can also say, Kids, this is why we need Jesus. You know, God is holy. We are sinful. This is what we do when we fail. And then she would pray a prayer of repentance in front of her kids, and teach them conflict resolution.

And she would apologize when she needed to. And anyway, I'm not saying I do this all the time. I don't I don't do this all the time. But I shifted my mindset to be like, okay, My goal is not about me. It's not about, you know, being this awesome mom to biological daughters and adopted daughters and making people think I'm awesome.

It's about worshiping God. That's what it's about. So he uses broken humans. That's what he does. So anyway, let's see.

You asked how the Lord helped me with my fear. I always say, I haven't overcome it. Like it's not a 12 step program for me. Some things the Lord's helped me overcome completely. Ancient history, I don't think I'll ever go back to those struggles again.

But with fear, like the world is so scary and broken, I have to constantly discipline myself to obey, to stay in his word, do what his word says, you know. Colossians 3:2, set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. You know, the Lord says to confess your sins in his faith, one, just to forgive us, to live in community, to do all these things, not as a way to to earn his favor or the favor of the moms at the mom group or whatever, but to, you know, that's that's how we experience the peace that we all want so badly. And so it's still a thing for me. I still I'm still doing it.

I'll still wake up and have something on my mind that is, consuming, and then I just have to surrender it. And I've done it enough times now for enough years that I'm like, oh, yeah. God God is real. And he hears my prayers, and he is going to help me. He's gonna help me today, you know?

And it's not about me, so I can actually be at rest today.

Well, Scarlett, I I know this is kind of a hard question, especially as a follow-up to that. But if you could come up with 3 3 to 4 words that you really just would say, hey. These words encapsulate what being a mom means. What would you say those words are and and why? You know, obviously, it's a gift, an abundant gift of the Lord to be a mom, to be able to to love, to nurture, to watch a child grow.

Doctor Rick and I have talked about it. My wife and I have talked about it. Being a dad is fantastic, but we miss some of the things. We we miss some of the the moments that my wife is just so quick to notice changes and to see even heart conditions before I do. What would be those 3 encapsulating 4 encapsulating words of what it means to be a mom?

That's such a great question. I feel like my, I'm a very verbose person, so this is very hard for me. But if I had man, I don't know. Can I give you 1200 words? If I had to put it into 3 or 4 words, okay.

I think I would say delightful. I think that when you are able to, you know, I I used to live, not just in motherhood, but in every way, I would live like white knuckling life. Like, okay, I have the hope of heaven, but I gotta get through this, you know? And we were not designed to live that way. And when we are living lives of worshiping God, you know, through the heartbreaking hard seasons, through the beautiful seasons, when we're able to experience that joy and peace that Jesus promises us we can have.

So it's real. He's he doesn't lie. It's true. When we're there, we're able to delight in our children. I think it's I think it's so hard, you know.

Of course, when my kids were little, little, when I had 2 in diapers, It was it was way harder to have my heart full of delight. I felt overwhelmed. I felt frustrated. I felt more anxious for sure. Moms who have little kids, that's the season.

Don't worry. I sleep now. It's amazing. But, you know, I feel like if you are able to fix your mind on things above again, and you're able to just have your soul be at rest, then you're able to, like you said, Herbie, like, as a mom, notice the the gift that it is every day. And I man, it's just amaze it's just the best gift.

I love being a mom. So that's the first word that comes to mind. Second word would be weighty. And if I think too hard about that, I think I will get anxious. But then I have to preach the gospel to myself again, which I just told you what that mom in that mom's group told me.

I've got to remind myself that these children are the Lord's, and that it's the power of his spirit that allows me to shepherd them toward toward him. But it is important. It's such an important job, you know. My girls see me all the time. And so if I'm not experiencing God, if I'm just reciting Which a lot of it, you know, as Christians, we have seasons of struggle.

And so even my adoption story, I didn't go into the whole thing. But when I was driving in the car with my 2 biological girls, and my oldest who was 5 at the time, asked me about adoption. And I started doing that whole, reciting a script, basically, Christian mom script. Like, adoption's a wonderful thing. It's the Lord adopted us into his family.

And when a family can adopt a child, blah blah blah. And that's great, right? And I was doing that. And in the midst of doing that, the Lord broke my heart. And, you know, it got from my head to my heart in that moment.

And that was the day that I called my husband, and that was the day that I found Lifeline. And so okay. Let me see. I just got off on a tangent. Okay.

So where was I? Weighty. So it's weighty. But the Lord gives us the power to do it, and it's painful. Okay.

Third one, sacrificial, I would say. And I'll give my husband credit for that, because you guys were kind enough to send me these questions ahead of time. If not, I would not have been able to complete just three words. But, I was like, I was stuck on that last one. And sacrificial, you know, it's it is delightful.

But, you know, moms do a a million gazillion unnoticed things every day. And if you are not living with your ocus on eternity, then you will get frustrated a lot. Because it's a lot of work and, you know. But it's so beautiful. My kids are getting older.

It's so beautiful to see the stuff that I've been teaching them since they were screaming in diapers. See it, you know, reflected back to me. Forgiveness, when I have a bad day. And I do that thing that I was taught to do, which is to apologize and, repent. To have my oldest say, Mom, you, you know, you forgive me of so much.

Of course, I forgive you. Like, Oh, that's such a gift. And so, to experience the gospel toward, you know, that doesn't happen as often for a mom, I feel like. But but it does. And it's so beautiful to just notice those things.

I don't know. There you go. 3 words. That was hard.

Wow. It was great. And and I think, you know, like, where I'd like to just kinda go for a second is you the last word, sacrificial. Right? Like, that is when we think of motherhood, that is so much of what we think of of the, you know, the way that moms model the gospel to us in sacrificial love.

But I I think one of the things to stop and kind of reflect it on mother's day is the little people that God blesses us to parent and to journey with that the Lord also grows into big people and adults and that progressive journey. The Lord has a way of using them to teach us things too. And so I'm I'm curious in what have your girls taught you? Intentionally or unintentionally, what, you know, what are if if you just kinda off the top of your head say, what are what are a couple of things that I would say that that my girls have taught me and that motherhood has brought from maybe even an unexpected place?

Wow. Great question too. Wow. My brain is not awake enough for all this deep thinking, doctor Rick.

I'll give you a minute to caffeinate.

Take a second. No, no, no.

I'm good. I've got it right here. Okay. When I think about joy, since we are, you know, adoption podcast, my first thing I remember learning was how much weaker and more sinful I am than I thought I was, you know? And I I think that you've got in order to walk in humility, you've gotta know, like the apostle Paul, that you're the chief of sinners.

And of course, in order to even meet Jesus, you have to have that moment. But I It's so easy as someone who's walked with Jesus for years to just forget. Or to just say See like, okay, the Lord has helped me walk out of that sin. And now I'm doing well, and blah blah blah. And then you just feel puffed up and self righteous, and you don't even know it.

And so, adopting joy just you know, I touched on it earlier, just when I the first, I would say, two and a half years when I was struggling with the attachment not happening as quickly as I wanted it to. I just remember in that season being like, okay, I'm way more needy and sinful than I thought I was. And as a gift, because if you don't see that, then you just keep going about your life being horrible. And yeah. And so that was, that was huge.

A second ago when you were talking, I was thinking about, you know, I'm a daughter too. My adoptive dad, who is my hero, he reminded me recently, he was like, Scarlet, you're you're gonna be 40 soon. And I was like, no, I'm not, father. I am 3 years old. I'm 40.

But I am. I mean, I'm getting close. My husband's 41. We're like middle aged now. And I am seeing, you know, my kids will ask me questions about my childhood.

Things that my mom sacrificed for me that I'm just now starting to appreciate. You know, things that my mom taught me. She taught me about Jesus, and the ways that she taught me about Jesus and models that for me. Like I am almost 40, and I'm just now starting to notice that. So back to like the sacrificial thing of being a mom, it's like, you know, you my just the whole motherhood thing has just taught me to have compassion for people around me.

It's reminded me that I'm weak and that everybody else is weak. And, it's so much easier to live out the gospel in the world and have grace for people when you're a mom and you just it's just it's just so emotional. It's it's so much emotion. Yeah. There you go.

That's what they do. A lot a lot more things, but there's one.

Well, Scarlett, I I I think even as we've closed, I mean, you said so many rich things. I hang on to those words that you said because as a husband and as a dad, I see all of these things that my wife these three words. I mean, I see her delight in motherhood. Just the delight of the joy in her that sometimes my kids don't see when when they accomplish something or, you know, when they have, a victory. I love watching the delight in her face.

It's it's, our our son just actually got a job that he says his dream job. And, as he was talking about it, even more fun than watching his delight was to watch the delight of my wife, you know, as as she's seeing his joy and as she's seeing the hard work that he's put in in being able to to get this this role even as a 18 year old kid. And then, of course, as a husband, I know doctor Rick would say that too. You know, I've had my wife crying on my shoulder because of the weightiness of of being a mom and the responsibility. You know, by god's grace, I've had the opportunity to hold up her arms when she was weak, and the weight felt like it was overcoming, and and it was it was gonna overtake her.

You know, I I know for us in the journey of parenthood we're in, my wife would tell you no one prepared her for how hard it was to adult your kids, and to help them get out of your home. And just the weightiness of that because I watch her as she continuously says, have I done enough? Have I taught him everything? Have I poured everything that I possibly could? But, ultimately, the most beautiful thing that you said was the And I think we see the gospel, and we see the love of Christ so many times in moms as they literally give up of their time, their talent, and their energy.

And the beauty of the gospel in motherhood is moms do that so many times when their kids have no idea how sacrificial they're being. And so I just wanna honor you as a mom. I wanna honor all the moms that are listening that even when you believe your sacrifice has gone unnoticed, your father, who is the lover of your soul, the creator of your soul, he knows and he sees those nights. He sees the weight. He sees the sacrifices that you make.

But, Scarlet, I I just love I want people to know about your books because, obviously, they're listening to the wisdom that you have, the relational ship, the relatability that you have as a Christ follower. If you would, just talk a little bit about your books and how people can find those books, so that they can minister to them as well.

Okay. Thank you for all that encouragement. Herbie, you guys are wonderful to talk to. Man, I recommend all moms get on this podcast. And to doctor Rick and Herbie talk about, notice the the Lord notices the sacrifice.

Okay, books. Okay. So my first book is Afraid of All the Things. That's kind of my testimony story. A lot of what we talked about today with adoption, with that conversation I had in the mom's group, that book was kind of That's where that came from.

I have one for teenage girls called, He number the pores on my face. Potty lists, clogged pores, eating disorders, and freedom from it all. And then I've got, You're the Worst Person in the World. Why it's the best news ever that you don't have it together, you aren't enough, and you can't fix it on your own. That's a book, beach read, I would say, of stories of my failures and worstness in a in a lighthearted way, but ultimately pointing to the best person in the world.

And how, again, we talked about this, how we can't experience joy and freedom until we realize how simple we are. But how we don't want to get stuck there either. I'm the worst. I'm the worst. I'm the worst.

We wanna move forward. Anyway, so that's that one. And then I've got the Anxious Bible Study, which is like a workbook with videos, that you can do in small groups. And, yeah, it's fighting anxiety with the word of God. And then my new one comes out my new Bible study comes out this year in October, and it's called Assamed, Fighting Shame with the Word of God.

And yeah.

Scarlett, how can people find your books? Obviously, Amazon. What are other ways that people can can get a hold of your books and get those?

Well, Amazon's one of my personal faves. You can go to my website, scarlethiltedvital.com, but my last name is not easy to spell. Yeah. Bookstores, wherever you like to buy books, you should be able to find them.

We'll have, all of those links in the show notes as well. So make sure you get those books, both for yourself as a mom, but also for your teenage daughters, the bible studies. All of these are great. And like you said, you can find it at Scarlet Hilta bottle, online and in the show notes. Scarlet, thank you so much for just your time, your wisdom.

And just as iron sharpens iron, I love how you've been able to tell both your story, but also use your story to help sharpen others' dependence on the lord. We're thankful for mothers, and we're thankful for you. And we're thankful for all of those who listen to Defender Podcast. Thanks for listening to the Defender Podcast. If you enjoy making this podcast a part of your weekly routine, we'd love for you to take a moment to subscribe, rate, and review the Defender Podcast to make it easier for more people to find.

For more information on how you and your church can partner with Lifeline, visit us at lifelinechild.org. If you want to connect with me, please visit herbynewell.com. Follow us at Lifeline on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter by searching for Lifeline Child. You can email us directly at info at lifelinechild.org. Beloved, will you allow God to use the gospel to you to impact the life of a child?

Please contact us because we are here to defend the fatherless. We'll see you again next week for the Defender podcast.