Welcome to the defender podcast, a resource to help mobilize and equip the body of Christ to manifest the gospel to orphans and vulnerable children. This podcast is a ministry of Lifeline Children Services, and I'm your host, Herbie Newell.

Today is May 1, 2024. I'm Rick Morton, and this is the Defender Podcast. Welcome back. We're excited to be turning the page into May. And one of the things, of course, that we know that we have coming up here in the next couple of weeks, actually Sunday, May 12, is Mother's Day.

But what you may not know is that Saturday, May 11, is actually birth Mother's Day. And so today in honor of birth Mother's Day and in recognition for all of us who are adoptive families and our children who've come home through adoption. We're going to spend a little bit of time talking about Birth Mother's Day and we're going to hear from Lauren Eddie one of our birth mother counselors here at Lifeline, and she is going to be interviewing a couple of our incredible birth mothers, Amanda and Brooke. And so together they're going to discuss the significance of birth Mother's Day, they're going to share some personal insights, talk a little bit about their feelings about that and just kind of reflect on the decision and really the courageous decision that these two women made to choose adoption for their child or children. So we hope you'll join us as we celebrate their love and their strength and the profound impact that their choice has had on their children.

But before we get there, we want to talk about the well. You know, as we said, birth mothers are some of the most brave and selfless women that we will ever meet. We want to surround these women with holistic care when they enter our doors. And so the well is a fund that helps helps us to be able to meet the physical needs of women in unexpected pregnancies. It allows our pregnancy counselors not only to walk with women through their pregnancy, but also to help them cover rent, utilities, medical costs, food, transportation and many other needs throughout their pregnancy, their hospital stay and even after.

When we care for and meet the physical needs of these women, we also have the opportunities to share about Christ and about the hope and freedom, that can be found only in Him. And so we'd love to ask, would you come alongside us in helping to care for the women that we serve? You can do that by visiting lifelinechild.org /well, to see the ways that you can support, women tangibly, through a contribution to the Well Fund. We want to get right to the interview as, Lauren had the opportunity to sit down, with Amanda and Brooke and to talk about birth Mother's Day and and we're, we're just really excited and honored to be able to present this conversation to you.

Hey, everybody. We're so excited to be on the podcast today. I'm Lauren Eddie and I'm on our pregnancy counseling team at Lifeline. And I started as a pregnancy counselor, and I am joined by 2 birth moms today who are gonna share a little bit about their story. So, Brooke, I'll let you go first.

Hey. My name is Brooke. I am a birth mom, and I placed, my first born in 2006.

I am Amanda, and I placed a son in 2020.

Awesome. Well, we're just gonna talk a little bit about your stories and then about birthdays day a bit. Brooke, do you mind starting us off and just sharing a little bit about your story and just kind of your journey?

Yeah. So, I was 15, and I faced an unplanned pregnancy, grew up in the church. And so pregnancy then at 15 and 16 was very taboo. There was not any of that. I was the 1st in my high school, not that I'm proud of that, but I think growing up in the church, finding out that I was pregnant unexpectedly, I don't know if it's the roots, my spiritual roots, but abortion just was not really an option that I considered by the grace and mercy of God.

But I did not wanna be in my hometown, so to get out of that situation, we found Lifeline and they had, what they called at the time, the village, and it was a place where young women could go and stay and, like, get their education. I wasn't sure if I wanted to parent or place for adoption. I didn't know much about adoption. I thought that you had nothing to do with it. There was no openness.

Like, the my ideas of what adoption was before Lifeline was so different once, you know, I was on the other side. But I went to Lifeline Village and, yeah, ended up having counseling there, got saved in my bedroom, just me and my my my baby and the Holy Spirit and just began the process of deciding if adoption was what was best for for me and him. And through a lot of prayer and a lot of thinking and a lot of counseling, that was the decision that I ended up making. So

Thanks, Brooke, for sharing. Amanda, do you wanna share a little bit about your story with us?

Okay. So I had my first son when I was 18 years old, and raising one child as a single mother was really hard. When I found out that I was pregnant with my second son, I knew that that was gonna be twice as hard. And so I was just laying in bed one night and I Googled, I'm pregnant. What do I do?

Lifeline pulled up and, I just put in all of my contact information and a counselor reached out to me. We went over all of the steps that, you know, the adoption process would be and the birth plan. I picked out everything that I wanted in a family. I, I picked the perfect family and we met up. They took the baby home from the hospital and we have a very open relationship now and it I knew that it was God's plan to work

the way that it did.

Yeah. That's awesome. Thank you guys for sharing. I know that sharing your story can is really vulnerable and really brave of you guys to be here today, and so I'm just thankful, and I know it's gonna bless a lot of people who are listening. I would love for you guys to just share a little bit about maybe some of the challenges that you faced in making the decision to make an adoption plan?

Because I know that's not an easy one. So, yeah, just either one.

So I think for me, just trying to decide what was best for him and with I mean, when you found out you're pregnant, you have dreams for your child and it's our natural instinct to wanna parent the child that we're pregnant with. For me, I was a teen a teenager. And realistically, like, I didn't feel like I could give him the life that I was dreaming for him. So that was some of the challenges for me. Yeah.

I think for me, some of the challenges were I knew that if I let my family know that I was pregnant, then they would try to talk me out of it or, you know, kinda judge me for being pregnant. And I knew that I was not ready to raise another child and I knew that adoption was the best thing for me and my baby. And so it was just kind of going through all of this alone and you just kind of wonder like, am I making the right decision? Even though God's telling you like, this is the plan for him, this is what you need to do. You still have that human thought like, but is it, you know, and so just kind of going through it alone and being scared of what could be or what might be.

Yeah. Absolutely. It's a big decision and obviously one that you've wrestled with because you did love your child and really trying to think through your hopes and dreams for them and what you want their life to look like. What was your view of adoption going into it? What did you kinda think it was gonna be like when you were making that plan?

I thought it was gonna be just open and shut, like a real estate transaction. Like, you know, you pick the house that you wanna buy, you sign the papers, and you never talk to the old owners again. You know, I thought they were just gonna come in and take the baby, and I would never hear or see from him again, but it's completely different than that.

All of that. Was there a moment for you guys where you felt like, okay, like I feel peace about my plan or I feel confident in it. I I know this is the right decision. Like, I don't know if there was a moment for you or something happened or

I think for me, when I started looking at the profile books and when I actually was seeing these families and when I picked a family, I think was a moment of clarity and peace. Just so, I mean, the vision and the dreams that I had for him, like, I could just start seeing that in my mind. Yeah.

I think the profile books for me was a big thing because, like, as soon as I saw them, it was like love at first sight. Like, I knew this is my family, but what really got me was in the hospital. I got pictures of, you know, the mom and feeding the baby, and she was just glowing and you could just tell that they were so in love, you know, and they had known each other for 10 minutes, but it felt like this was exactly where he needed to be.

I love that. Yeah. Just those little confirmations, those glimpses. Absolutely. I know that adoption for birth moms, for adoptive families, for sometimes the children has a lot of grief and joy kind of all in one bucket together, all kind of mixed up.

I know there's challenges and there's triumphs and just a lot of emotions that go into an adoption plan and being a birth mom. And did you guys experience grief? Do you mind just sharing a little bit about what that process was like for you?

For me, I feel like my grief was not very bad because I was already so broken that I felt like the baby would be better off with literally anybody else but me. And so to me, like, yes, it was hard to place him for adoption, but in my heart, I knew that it was the right thing because I would not be able to give to him the life that he deserves.

I don't think there's any right way or wrong way to experience grief or your adoption process and my adoption process, even though we're birth moms and what I hear Amanda say, I've heard her story before and I mean, it doesn't dismiss or grieve, but I hear like there's there was more hope than there was like hurt. Like it I mean, and no matter what you feel, I think it's important to know in grief, like, no matter what you feel, like, my my my feelings might have looked different than yours, but I don't think the gravity of, like, that we both decided to place, you know, our child for adoption, is any different. You know? It's just different emotions that we experience still hard. Right?

Yeah. So I just love your story so much. For for me, like, I experienced it was very, very hard, but I think our stories are different in that it was my first child. I was a child, and I didn't boundary myself at all. Like I allowed myself to bond completely with my child.

I've experienced every bit of love that I think any mother would experience, like I just didn't know. Like knowing what I know now, I probably would have done that a little differently, but I don't regret it, I don't regret it. And yeah, so I experienced loss, but even in my pain, I still all the dream all the things that I wanted for him I knew he was getting that so I guess that's where my joy came from and I was experiencing more of the pain. So I don't know if that answers it, but it's what

I got. I think so. And I, you know, I know that both of you guys, just in knowing your story and having spent time with you guys, I know that throughout your adoption process, that a lot of what you went through is what led you to the Lord. Do you mind just sharing a little bit about what that process was?

I think for me, just knowing the path that I was on in my life, coming out of a divorce that was abusive, you know, going into life with just me and my son and looking for anything to fill that void of hurt and loneliness in my heart. Like once I found out that I was pregnant, I knew that I could not do this by myself. Like I had to lean on the Lord because I did not have the strength to go on or, you know, to even make this birth plan by myself, I had to have someone greater than me to point me in the right direction to, you know, help me decide what family to help me get through the grief, to get through the entire process because I could not do it on my own.

Same. Yeah. I think I can just read that resonates with me. Just the first time in my life that I realized I needed a savior or that I needed that kind of help and, like, I couldn't there's no way I could do that on my own. And, ultimately, my child and my pregnancy led to a personal relationship with Jesus, and I grew up in church, so, but it was the first time that I realized, like, I actually need a savior.

My parents, all my needs were met. So I really was told like, you need a savior, you need a savior, but circumstances never made me aware until I'm 16 years old and I'm pregnant. And I'm like, oh, I need, I need help. Like, I really need help. And that's when the Holy Spirit started drawing me into salvation.

I grew up in a small church, and, there was a lot of shame involved in, like, pregnancy and just the denomination that I grew up in. I felt there was a lot of condemnation and that ultimately like religion kept me from surrendering my life to Jesus like really just being like he started showing me like you're a sinner and you need a savior and I just started believing that Jesus actually died for me and I can take no credit like the, the only, the Holy Spirit did that completely And he was drawing me for so long, like so long, but like a matter of weeks, you know? And I can remember being in a church and just like feeling like I was supposed to go down and give my life to the Lord, but there was so much shame that I would not do that, but he does not care. He doesn't care if you walk down the aisle, like I got saved in my bedroom at Lifeline Village, just me, my son, and the Holy Spirit and meant it for the first time in my life. Like, I just need you to save me.

And I knew in that moment that I became new and, like, all of my pain and just the hurt, it was exchanged for joy. And, I couldn't wait to tell the houseparents, like, I became a Christian. I'm a Christian now. Like, I could I mean, yeah. I just knew that I was I knew something changed in my heart and my life.

And yeah.

I love how the Lord is just kind to pursue us and to meet us in the really hard moments, and he's so faithful and just, draws near to us in those moments. And one thing that I think is really sweet about the Lord too is he is obviously so sufficient. Like, he is more than enough. He's done more than we've ever deserved and continues to give good gifts to his children. But I think it's sweet that he also gives us community in the body of Christ.

You know, that he he doesn't just leave us on our own. He says, I'm here. Right? I have peace that surpasses all understanding, but then he also gives us brothers and sisters in Christ and other people who have walked through what we've walked through. And so how important has it been for you guys to find support maybe through other birth moms or just through your church or family, whoever it is?

How have people supported you?

I think for me, just my counselor. She really supported me because she was the only one that knew what I was going through. And then once I gave birth, I was kind of ashamed. I don't wanna tell anyone, but the adoptive family just really reached out to me, you know, all the time to make sure that I was okay. And even though I told myself that I was not grieving, they knew that I was and they knew that I needed support and help and, you know, just a friend to ask how you're doing and they were really there for me until I could accept the fact, you know, it took a long time for me to tell myself, like, this is what you did, You know, like, this was a good thing.

Accept it. And then now, like, I tell everybody, like, you know, I tell everybody, yeah, I gave my son up for adoption because I couldn't do it. And I knew that I couldn't do it. And now he has a life 10 times better than what I had. But before I was ready to accept it myself, it was really nice to have the adoptive family there and my counselors there to tell me that I made the right decision.

Yeah. I love that so much. Although I had a lot of support in or verbal support, you know, a lot of people verbally support you. And even if you know, like, that it's the right thing, I just didn't allow a lot. I I don't know.

I mean, I had support from my family. Like, they were totally behind me, but I wish I would have allowed myself more support, like, reached out to someone that had been there. Like, God's been faithful in my journey, and he connected me with other birth moms and and things of that nature. But, yeah, I don't know. I just I I think I wish I would have allowed myself more support in that time.

So I think it's so good that, like, you had a good counselor, and it's just I was so faithful. Yeah. I

didn't let any of my family know that I was pregnant through the whole entire thing, so my counselor in the adoptive family was literally the only people that I had on my side.

Yeah. Yeah. Brooke, I'm just thinking about what you said too about how, like, you wished you had more support, and I see you now because you value that, because you see the importance of it. I see you now pouring into other birth moms. And I just think about, like, how many birth moms that I've even talked to recently who have said Brooke was the first person I met who had a story like mine or the first the first birth mom I met other than me.

Right? And you've created a safe space for those women. I know some of them even send you pictures of their child because they can't share it with other people, but they know you're gonna say, that child is so beautiful, and I'm so proud of you. And I see you just, like, offering that support and love to other women. And I love that because one reason why we're even talking today, right, is because birth mother's day is coming up, and it's May 11th, the day before mother's day, and it's a day that's been nationally, you know, set us apart as a day to celebrate and honor women who have made the decision to place a child for adoption and to give you that space to celebrate and honor and even to grieve if that's what's needed on that day.

And so I would love if you guys would just share what that day means to you personally.

For me, I think I could just wrap it up with, like, it was my day to say you are not alone because, like, I felt very alone.

Yeah.

And and you're not like there's so many women that have been in that same situation and adoption is beautiful and it's hard and it's beauty and it's ashes, and it's complex and not a lot of people understand how complex it can be. So just being in a room full of women that are like, me too. So it made me that's what that day meant to me.

And I think that being celebrated on that day just kind of lets you know that what you did does not go unnoticed. It's just, you know, like, you know that you did a great thing, but nobody ever pats you on the back and says, oh, good job for doing that. You know? And so you just have, like, one day just to celebrate this huge sacrifice that you made in your life. Like, it's not something you had to do, but you knew that it was the best thing for the baby.

Yeah. I think I hear you guys even in that saying, like, the significance of that day is that it's set apart to just kind of acknowledge what you guys have been through and to not feel so alone. And, you know, I know for you guys, like, y'all are pretty open with your story, and I know you have people in your life who know your story. I know there's a lot of birth moms out there who people do not know their story and do not know that they placed a child for adoption or they don't have really any time throughout the year where they're able to share that. And so birth mother's day gives them that safe space to come alongside people who get it and aren't gonna judge them and are able to just say, yeah.

I get it. And you can come to that day regardless of how you're feeling. Right? Like, I know there's some people who come and they feel a lot of joy and they feel celebrated that day. And I know there's other people who come that day because it's hard and they're experiencing grief and that's a safe place for them, you know, to express that.

Yeah. I think what I hear you guys saying is that that day is so important because it's a day where women can come together and just know that they're not alone. And it gives you a day that is set apart from other days to whether you're coming into that day feeling a lot of grief and a lot of hurt, and you are able to take that space that you need to grieve, or whether you're coming into that day feeling celebrated and honored, it gives you a day to kind of have that, especially apart for a mother's day. And I know a lot of birth moms who have kind of been around for a while, especially in Lifeline circles. I know one of them says all the time, like, you're still a mother.

Right? So like on Mother's Day, like, take the gift, take the flower, acknowledge, like, let that be, you know, something that you're okay that you just can sit in and say, yeah. I know. It's okay. I'm a I am a mom.

But for a lot of you, it is different, especially if you don't have other children that you're parenting or things like that. Birth Mother's Day just creates you know, it's just a special place like you guys were saying. And so I just wanna say, if you're a birth mom who's listening to this, or if you're an adoptive family and you know a birth mom, or if you just know a birth mom, who's your neighbor or your family member, there are events happening around the country. So Lifeline is hosting a brunch that Saturday morning in Birmingham, Alabama. Brave Love has birth bomb dinners that are happening around the country as well that you can look up on their website.

And so feel free to, like, I would love to have people join that event. And, for birth moms, if you're wanting to gather with other birth moms to not be alone that day and to have people who get what you're going through, there are those events set up for you to be able to come to. But kinda switching gears a little bit because, you know, we've been talking about birth mother's day and not feeling alone and having that special place for women to come. And part of why it is important to have that event for people to be able to come together is because there are some misconceptions out there with adoption. I know both of you guys have kind of referenced the shame that you felt in your own story.

And so are there things that you felt like people did misunderstand about whether it was at the time of your pregnancy or whether it's even now, you know, several years out. What are maybe some of those misconceptions that people have, and what would you wanna say to people? What would you want them to understand about your adoption journey?

I have people in my life who try to throw up the fact that I just gave away a child and try to tell me that, like, I'm a bad mother. Why would I have other children? And it's so much more than just giving away a child. Like, I created an entire plan because I knew that I could not give him the life that he needed and I sacrificed our relationship, you know, as being mother and son so that he could have a better life. And I feel like a lot of people just look at it as, you know, you just gave him away because you didn't want him.

You didn't wanna have to deal with it, But it's so much more than that. Like, it's because I was so selfless and knew that he deserved more than what I could ever give him.

Yeah. Absolutely. That's really beautiful.

Yeah. I think for me, a lot of the misconceptions that I experienced, and frustrations that I experienced just was that I didn't, you know, that I didn't have a choice or that I felt like I couldn't do it because actually I struggled because I did actually feel like I mean, I I was a mom. I did feel like I could do it. I had support. Ultimately, I was trying to think of his best interest and what was best for him.

And even if that meant like what I felt like was best for me in that moment was different than what was best for him, because I believe if I were doing that, I would have parented. But but I and and nothing against anybody that makes, you know, like looking back I'm like, I think I could have been a good teen mom, I mean, I think I could have given him a good life and he would have been loved and it's not like it wouldn't be this is better than that or that is better than whatever. I just really started seeking the Lord. Like, what is, what is, what is your will for his life, for my life? And ultimately, that's what I'd go back to is just like, I believe that God led my decision.

There are people that struggle with infertility and we, I was a, I helped, like, put together, be a piece to complete a family. And so I guess the misconception is, oh, she didn't have a choice when there was a choice. You know, it wasn't something that I feel like I had to do, but it's I did out of love, like, in with his with his future and, like, what I felt like was best for him. So

Yeah. Absolutely. What are some ways that people out there, whether they're an adoptive family or whether a church, whether a donor, regardless of who's listening to this podcast, what are ways that they can love and support birth moms all year round, really, but especially coming up on Mother's Day?

I think the biggest thing for me is just to remind them they are appreciated, and they did something amazing. Like Brooke said, put, you know, the missing piece to a family together. I know when I'm around the adoptive family, it makes me feel so good with the whole family's, like, you know, they know my name. They're like, hey, Amanda. Like, we're so glad you're here.

Like, we appreciate you so much for everything that you've done because they would not have that peace in their life if I didn't make the choice that I made. And it's just amazing getting to see that there's so much love on every side, you know, on the child that I placed and on my life.

Yeah. Just to follow that, like, yeah, honor. Just honoring if you know of a birth mom. I know every everyone's story is different, so maybe that's gonna look different for each person. And honor doesn't have to be words even.

Like, just how you treat somebody is a way to honor them. I think honor comes from the heart, and we we should all do that for each other. But especially for moms during mother's day, like, just honor any type of mom. If she's a birth mom or, you know, an adoptive mom or a spiritual mom. So, yeah, honor, I think, is is good.

Yeah. I think that's beautiful. It's it's like Right? And so, Right? And so showing compassion to those people regardless of where they're at in their journey.

Right? That kindness, I think that's a really great point, Brooke, for sure. I think everybody would love to hear where you guys are now in your life.

I am married. I have 2 children, a 13 year old and a 2 year old, and I have 2 stepsons. They are 67. We're just busy with life now and still make time to see my son that I placed for adoption. Even though life is hectic, he's still there with us, and all the kids hang out.

Yeah. I love it.

So for me, I think I just want you know, this is such a huge part of our stories. Like, it's a part of who I am, but, I did want to just share, like, that's not all of who I am. Like, once you place, like, your life doesn't end, we created a life as well. And, so it's funny that I'm raising an only child like in my placement plan. My son, like one of the non negotiables was that he had to have a sibling and it's just so ironic I would be raising you know an only child but by God this is designed because she's definitely an only child, although she knows about her brother, but she's definitely an only child.

And I I work for Lifeline now and, help with intake and get to help women in crisis and that are finding themselves in the same situation. So it's just kind of a full circle moment, and I have a 15 year old daughter who is the light of my life and loves marching band and art and singing and, yeah, so we're looking forward to the summer.

Are there any messages that you guys would want to share with other birth moms who may be listening to this, adoptive family, or maybe even those who are considering adoption right now?

I think just kind of be patient and give grace. Like, not everybody might, you know, will be on the same page and not every family is the same. Not every situation will look the same. You know, some birth mothers may not grieve as much. Some adoptive families may not be as open to things and you can't get mad at, you know, each other.

And like you said earlier, like, leave the door cracked. Like, don't completely shut the other person out because there may be a time in your life when you regret that you don't have that door open anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah. I think I think definitely all of that. I think that adoption just breaks the norm, and it always makes me think of a spiritual component that we've all been adopted into the family of God, and it it it's not it doesn't for a birth mom or adopted family, like, doesn't have to be flesh and blood to be family, like and we should value each other as family. And, wherever anybody is in their journey, like, we just value you.

I, you know, I love us just getting together and even just being able to share a little bit of your story. And I know, like, this podcast could go on for hours and hours and hours if we were to share, like, every detail of your story and just all the things that I know are in your heart to share with other people. But I love people even just being able to get a glimpse into the decision you made because I do think that kinda what you said of just even breaking it up and, you know, it's not always the norm and things like that. And people may know birth moms that they don't even know are birth moms or they may not have direct connections to things. And so this may be a context that people are not familiar with.

And so I think for them to just be able to even just hear kind of your stories and hear, you know, I think over and over and over again in this conversation, I just hear the love you guys have for your children and how you did spend intentional time really thinking through, okay, what's the best thing for my child? What hopes and dreams do I have for my child? What is their life gonna be like? And, Brooke, even you referenced, I know, Amanda, this is true for you too of even putting your own feelings and your own wants and desires aside and really making your child the priority and the most important thing. And so I know people are hearing that today and I know that this you guys are a blessing to the people that are gonna be listening to this and maybe to even other birth moms who are feeling alone out there or adoptive families who are trying to figure out how to love their birth mom better.

And so I just your brave choices and you guys being here today really does make an impact on your children's lives and on other birth moms' lives and on I know the people who are gonna be listening to us today. So I really just appreciate you guys joining us and being able to have this conversation.

Alright. Thanks for joining us on the Defender Podcast. We hope that you will join us back here again next week as we, have another great episode where we discuss ways that, that you and I and and all of the church can, serve orphan children, and vulnerable children, and vulnerable families in Jesus' name. And so thanks to Lauren and Amanda and Brooke today, in their conversation about Birth Mother's Day. If you'd like to find out more about birth mother's day or about domestic adoption or about a lot of the other things that Lifeline does, you can find us at www.lifelinechild dot org, or you can reach us, at the email address, info at lifelinechild.org.

We'd love to hear from you.

Thanks for listening to the Defender Podcast. If you enjoy making this podcast a part of your weekly routine, we'd love for you to take a moment to subscribe, rate, and review the Defender Podcast to make it easier for more people to find. For more information on how you and your church can partner with Lifeline, visit us at lifelinechild.org. If you want to connect with me, please visit herbynewell.com. Follow us at Lifeline on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter by searching for Lifeline Child.

You can email us directly at info at lifelinechild.org. Beloved, will you allow god to use the gospel to you to impact the life of a child? Please contact us because we are here to defend the fatherless. We'll see you again next week for the Defender podcast.